I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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