how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
