Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
