Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
