The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
