Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
