barbara walters just said penis...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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