and my herpes radar will keep us safe
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
