They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
