I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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