i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
