I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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