I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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