did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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