Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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