omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she smelled like a LAN party
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
