I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
