I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
