He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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