girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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