We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
