I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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