Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
