you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
