I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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