I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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