Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
