Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
