i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
