God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
