He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
