Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
