Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm both gender and math confused
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
