yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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