she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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