I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
