I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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