I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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