Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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