My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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