she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
