grandma shit on top of the toilet
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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