The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
