There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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