State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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