Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
