i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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