i just wanna soil my oats bro
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
