I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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