i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
