It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
